Britain. The United Kingdom. Home of milky tea, the fry up and The Archers. We’re a little island floating in the middle of a big ocean and yet somehow, inexplicably, seem to have made something of a name for ourselves. Yeah, we get it, colonialism and all that but truly, that was so long ago. How have we managed to stay relevant in a world which is only getting bigger. The secret seems to be that, to the rest of the world, we are a curiosity. Our apparently backwards reasoning and preference for the “wrong” side of the road have somehow left an indelible mark of the rest of the world, causing them to schlep all of the way to our tiny little island and wonder at the specimen that is the British Native.
We love that you love our country and want to take a look at us but we have a teeny, tiny request. Could you stop asking us the following questions the next time that you visit? Please and thank you.
Do You Know The Queen?
Believe it or not, the British Isles span over 94,000 square miles. Very few of us have even been in selfie distance of the Queen, let alone met her personally. Those of us who live closer to London, or even in it, have probably never even visited Buckingham Palace on a day trip. Sorry and all that.
Why Are Your Teeth Not Crooked?
You guys, we’re not all descendants of Prince Charles (see above point). Like the rest of the world, we visit the dentist and quite a few of us even had braces when we were children. The tombstone British smile is something of a myth and even though there are people with less than gleaming gnashers, they’re certainly not the norm.
I Love Your Accent!
Thanks very much and it is really very kind of you but to us, there is nothing exceptional about the way we speak. In fact, we’re really rather fed up of our weird pronunciations and idiomatic expressions but what can you do? We’ve committed to them now. We will say a few words for you but if you ask too much, we might get a little grumpy.
Your Food Is Terrible!
Granted, most of our recipes have been stolen from elsewhere in the world and tweaked to suit our very British palates. Having said that, nobody makes a pie like we do. Or stews, or puddings or roast dinners. Really good British food is like a warm, cosy hug. We just choose not to share it with outsiders.